Anything For A Story

For awhile, the chic parent-concern was the negative influence of Harry Potter on children. Particularly the glamorization of witches, wizards and other sorcery stuffs. But I’ve found another, possibly more disturbing side effect of Potter-love that evidenced itself in my 10 year old niece, who took the time to sit down and interview Miyagi-san . . . as Rita Skeeter.

For those of you not in the know, here’s a summary of Rita Skeeter’s profile via the wisdom of Wikipedia: Rita Skeeter is a reporter for the Daily Prophet and a correspondent for the Witch Weekly, who specializes in yellow journalism, for which she is armed with such magical devices as the Quick-Quotes Quill. Rita is an unregistered Animagus, capable of transforming into a beetle to spy on unsuspecting victims for her stories. As a reporter who fabricates information in order to write an appealing story, she is an antagonist to Harry and his friends throughout Goblet of Fire, and brief but reluctant ally in Order of the Phoenix.

Note in particular the phrase “fabricates information in order to write an appealing story”

INT. FAMILY ROOM -DAY

In a sparsely furnished family room JANAY and MIYAGI sit watching the last minutes of FIEVEL GOES WEST. Enter RITA SKEETER, a ten year old would-be journalist, looking for her next story for the family newsletter and touting her grandparents’ digital camera. Rita stands in the shadows, casually lifting the camera and snapping pictures slyly as if catching the lovers in flagrante. After several shots Rita frowns, lowering the camera and saying:

RITA SKEETER
You look really weird in these pictures.

MIYAGI
Sorry for being a weird looking guy.

Plopping herself down in the chair opposite him, Rita pulls out a pen and paper and beings her assault on her newest victim.

RITA SKEETER
So, can I ask you a few questions? Good. What is your favorite color?

MIYAGI
Um, blue.

RITA SKEETER

Ok, what is your favorite movie?

MIYAGI

Umm, I don’t know. I like a lot of movies.

RITA SKEETER

Well, what’s your favorite book? What about music? What do you LOOOOOVE?

Miyagi laughs nervously and looks to Janay for help. But Janay is as surprised as he is, and secretly envious of her niece’s ability to ask the tough questions. Hoping for an entertaining answer, Janay just shrugs and watches him squirm.

RITA SKEETER

Ok, so how long have the two of you been together?

More nervous laugher and “oh, kids these days” looks.

MIYAGI

Uh, just over a month.

RITA SKEETER

And do you meet often?

MIYAGI

Meet? Well, we see each other most days . . .

RITA SKEETER

Ok “Glued at the hip”

In an effort to shift the focus Miyagi-san makes a comment about James Horner, the musical composer in Fievel Goes West. Janay revels in the glory of a boyfriend who appreciates the intricacies and subtle humor of such a classic movie.

RITA SKEETER
James Horner, huh? “Is really interested in actresses.”

MIYAGI
Well, James Horner isn’t an actor. He composed the music.

RITA SKEETER

Oh, ok. “Is really interested in composers.”

MIYAGI

Not really, I was just interested that it was James Horner.

RITA SKEETER

“Really loves James Horner.”

MIYAGI

I don’t really care about James Horner it was just interesting . . .

RITA SKEETER

“Is completely indifferent to James Horner.”

MIYAGI

Well I wouldn’t say that . . .

RITA SKEETER

Ok. I think we’ve got our piece.

I’d kind of figured that this was the end of it. That after putting Miyagi through the ringer, my nieces would be done for the day. But, not to be out done by her sister, mini-Rita waited until that night when Miyagi got off the phone to ask, “Was that your other girlfriend? How would Janay feel if you had another girlfriend?”

The family newsletter seems to be quickly becoming the family tabloid. And sales have never been higher.

Come What? May.

I just found out that one of my favorite authors is coming to Seattle and it’s almost guaranteed I’ll be able to go! Given that my last opportunity to see her went down in a fiery ball of disappointment (although the fault was really due to an impromptu trip to Hawaii so . . . ) I’m uber-excited this time. May is turning into an exciting month for me. Please to enjoy all the glory to come broken down into easily readable tidbits.

May 13th: Flight of the Conchords live in Seattle! Add bonus points for the fact that my new gentlemen friend (hereafter known as Miyagi) bought us tickets to this show three months in the future without even considering whether we’d still be together then! Subtract points for my mindless exclamation upon hearing the news that it was “terribly optimistic” of him. Don’t think THAT hasn’t come back to bite me. (Extra bonus points for Miyagi for NOT taking it the wrong way.)

May 19th: The glory and grace of Jen Lancaster in my very own Third Place Books! Highlights include the fact that she’s cool enough to pick the most awesome of independent book retailers in the area, and with a pub inside the store she’ll likely get a little smashed and I’ll have my chance to prove my worth as her witty, yet sober, friend whom she simply must include in her writerly-social circles. The trick is to make sure THEY’RE the drunken ones.

May 22-25th: FOLKLIFE. FolklifeFolklifeFolklife. Again, last year’s Folklife experience was snatched from me at the hands of an awesome graduation gift (did I mention I got a tan?) and I can feel my hippie-soul crying out for release. I’m already practicing my drum circle routines and saving up for loads of head scarves, ceramic mugs, piroshkies, and at least one caricature of myself and Miyagi. Preferably where I don’t have freckles on my nose (just big pores thankyouverymuch Mr. Makemeselfconcious-artist-man.)

May1st/May 8th: Nerd-tastic movie releases of Wolverine AND Star Trek. For once in my life I will not have to barter with/threaten roommates to accompany me because Miyagi-san not only appreciates both franchises, he REVELS in them. Much like myself. I admit I’m somewhat more partial to Wolverine, if only for the high nerd-factor in comparing the history of Wolverine with the original comics. Also, in true Yanaj fashion, I’m most excited to see Liev Schriber in such a bad-@$$ role. What about Hugh Jackman you ask? Meh. He’ll do.

Bacon Gives Me Gas

December marked the end of an era for me.

My journey began in a class I crashed with Haras where her teacher showed a clip from Apollo-13. I whispered that I’d never seen the movie and she, burning with the insistence of a thousand suns, replied in a yelled-whisper, “but it’s got Kevin Bacon in it!”

To this day neither of us is sure what that was meant to imply, considering that I’d never expressed any inclination towards Kevin Bacon, or his work. Not to say that I had any strong desire to avoid him . . . until then. After giving it a bit of consideration I realized it was entirely possible that I’d never seen a single movie of his! Once I confirmed my suspicions on IMDB, my objective became obvious. I’d managed to go my whole life without seeing Kevin Bacon (in all his six-degree glory) and I wasn’t about to change that now.

The next few years passed somewhat uneventfully in relation to my Kevin Bacon-avoidance quest. The only real benefit was a ready answer for the “I’ve never” game, which I used on many occasions. And any inclination I had to see Footloose or Tremors were quickly dispelled by a feverish commitment to my new-found quest.

But then.

December 31st, 20008. Innocently I agreed to a day at the movies with my friend Werdna. Having already seen Doubt and Slumdog Millionaire we decided to round out the evening with another film we were sure was headed for the Oscars. Enter Frost/Nixon. I’ve never encountered such a difficult moral dilemma in my life.

When the shady character on the street said, “you want to try some drugs, man?” I replied, “No thanks, I get high on life.” (Yes I was thinking of you Irak)

When the kid in chemistry class offered me the answers to the exam, I beat him away with my For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet.

But when I was sitting in that dark theater, watching the opening credits, and saw the big, white letters spell out “Kevin Bacon” I froze. “Trickery!” I screamed. After a moment of disbelief I turned to Werdna with desperation in my eyes, pleading for direction. “I don’t know if I can see this! It’s got Kevin Bacon in it!” “Yeah I know,” he said, “he’s really good.”

Then I knew I couldn’t rely on him, the cinematic experience had already begun to numb his instincts and I could feel their power taking hold of me. For a few, vain, moments I struggled, looking around frantically, weighing the cost of the ticket against my pride, and wondering if I could recover by hiding my eyes every time he came on screen.

I’m ashamed to say that I gave into the peer pressure and tried my best to enjoy the show anyway.

“I’ve never seen a Kevin Bacon movie” Not anymore. Now I’m reduced to saying “I’ve never seen a quintessential 80’s movie in which Kevin Bacon plays the lead and/or dances rebelliously.”

How many degrees of separation between me and a Kevin Bacon movie? Just one. Just one.