Tuesday, March 11, 2008

How to get on my good side

Step 1: See me at some point during my busy day and engage in a wholly forgettable conversation. Preferably referencing our work, class, bongo lessons etc.

Step 2: That night in my dream accuse me of always showing up for work (class, synchronized swimming) hours late and generally tell me what a bad employee I am and therefore an awful human being.

Step 3: Ensure that I have at least a momentary understanding that what is happening is not reality and therefore I feel justified in giving you the railing of your life, complete with brightly colored words that I secretly admire the potency of but never use out due to an inclination towards a modest vocab. (You in your perfectly tailored, pin-stripe suite. A pathetic attempt at professionalism.)

Step 4: Immediately following said railing politely suggest that my dream is NOT in fact a dream and that I have just deeply offended you and all your posterity.

Step 5: The next morning at work (class, D&D sesh) smile at me, reminding me that in reality you're NOTHING like my dream version, consequently making me feel horrible about myself for belittling you so effectively. (Although I am quite pleased with the clever execution.)

Following these simple steps will ensure that for at least the following 24 hours I will bring you your printing (hand-out, moon-boots) I will rummage through the snack table looking for the best fruit-snacks available, and send you helpful hints on creating a local DocLibrary replica of a Notes database which doesn't replicate with the Domino server (ain't work excitin'!) All out of guilt. In short. I will become your B-word.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

ABC's of me, if I have to, I guess.

A - Attached or Single: attached to the idea that if I answer these badly enough no one will ever make me fill out another one. But otherwise single. Single like a fox.

B - Best Friend: anyone who gets this reference: “The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard, and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.” Which will be no one. Oh well.

C - Cake or Pie: unless James McAvoy is going to jump out of the cake, pie.

D - Day of Choice: Thursday. I don’t really know why except that I hate Thursdays and that’s more than I can say for any of the other forgettable slacker-days.

E - Essential Item: several random notebooks that I fill with genius ideas then never look at again.

F - Favorite Color: green. It has all the austerity of a blue or red without that stigma of over-popularity.

G - Gummi Bears or Worms: bears, but only because they come dipped in chocolate.

H - Hometown: Bothell, Washington, the Snohomish side, where we welcome you for “a day or a lifetime.”

I - Indulgence(s): anything British or Canadian, or in particular hilarious and unconventionally attractive men from England or Canada. Oh, and I’ve been reading a lot of SciFi novels recently so, yeah.

J - January or July: January. I’ve decided to balk the dictating conventions of the Gregorian calendar and rename all the months after my favorite literary heroes. In that case I prefer Jude-ly. But Rochester-uary is right out.

K - Kids: Let’s just say I’m headed down to my brother’s place for Easter. He has four boys under the age of 7 and it’s about time for my bi-annual birth control.

L - Life is Incomplete Without: oxygen. Well, technically only 20% oxygen and about 78% nitrogen. (See SciFi above.)

M - Marriage Date: no thanks. I prefer marriage raisins.

N - Number of Siblings: three. None of whom would ever make me fill out a stupid questionnaire.
O - Oranges or Apples: apples. Fuji.

P- Phobias or Fears: spiders. And alphabetic-themed tags. (Tired of this yet?)

Q - Quote(s): "Smooch my big, white alien forehead."

R - Reason to Smile: this.

S - Season: where I come from we don’t have seasons. There’s only rainy, and slightly more rainy. But I really prefer fall and spring because they writhe with inner turmoil.

T - Tag Seven: I don’t want to be held accountable for tagging anyone else so I hereby allow seven people to tag themselves. You know who you are.

U - Unknown Fact About Me: I've self-diagnosed myself with reverse seasonal-affective disorder. I get depressed when it's sunny for days on end.

V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: oppressor. I just can’t get enough of waiters telling me “it’s nice to see a girl who can eat” when I order a steak.

W - Worst Habit: thinking that my life is too boring to have anything to blog about.

X - X-Rays or Ultrasounds: x-rays, the more x-rays there are the less times “xylophone” will have to show up in alphabet books.

Y - Your Favorite Food: watermelon. “Just plant a watermelon on my grave and let the juice slurp slurp run down.”

Z - Zodiac: Taurus. But only by one day which is lucky because I am SO not the same sign as Haras.