Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Dave Strikes Back: Part Deux

Hey, sorry I just sent you an email accidentally. Luckily it was only filled with frivolous and embarrassing things that I had only intended for close friends who have to like me anyway. Feel free to ignore it. Or print it out and post it around the ward to further my growing popularity. Either way, sorry for the bother!
PS Dave would think this was funny. (Anyone? Anyone? No? OK.)

You were right that I would think it was funny. Still, probably the
funniest thing is where you got this email address from! Granted, I
have five or six email addresses, but I'm wondering how you got this
one...ummm...just figured it out. It was from those mass emails that I
always send out to the Ward (Thanks to the Bishop). Apparently the case
is solv-ed.

Still, I might add that sending emails is only one way to garner
popularity. I'd recommend making flyers and then distributing them to
the neighborhood (that's always worked best for me).


You wrote that entire first paragraph just so you could use 'solv-ed' didn't you? I can relate. For instance I intend to include several big words in this email just to prove that I actually CAN spell. *Defenestrate* Also, I tried the flier thing once but I kept getting phone calls from people saying they had found my dog. *Pandemonium* I realized that until I can learn to draw better stick-figures, I should stay away from posting self portraits. *Verbose* I don't really have anything left to say on the subject, I just need another sentence break before I can insert another large word. *Extemporaneous*
PS *Eschew*

Monday, February 19, 2007

Dave Strikes Back!

This is what happens when you become too cavalier in your email sending rituals; you end up accidentally sending an email full of inane questions and misspelled answers to the roommate of the brick wall you've been flirting at. This is that email. In toe-toe. I hope you are pained as much as I was. Why am I so awkward???

Dear everyone,
I sorry. I hate these too. But I'm bored. And therefore you must be bored too.
> > > 1. FIRST NAME? Janay (nay)
> > 2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yeah, everyone who was born before me. (Duh.)
> 3.WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? During The Queen, when the little girl gives the Queen the flowers and says "these are for you" *sniff*
> > 5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Thick slices of turkey
> > 6. KIDS? Yeah, I like kids too, but not as much as turkey.
> > 7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? If I was another person yes. If I were me trying to be friends with myself? I'd have better luck invading Poland.
> > 8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I prefer to refer to it as a collection of 'memoirs' so that when my great-great-great-great grand daughter finds it, she'll think I was important enough to write 'memoirs'
> > 9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Never. It's the language of the devil.> > 10.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes. I keep them in my sock drawer. Right next to my trapezius
> > 11.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Only if it was into a tub of chocolate pudding.> > 12. WHAT IS YOU FAVORITE CEREAL? Fruity Pebbles> > 13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Never. I just wear them until they are dirty enough to chisle off.
> > 14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Strong enough for a man. PH balanced for a woman.
> 15.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Peppermint and bubble gum have to duke it out.
> > 16.SHOE SIZE? No. I don't believe in labels.
> > 17. RED OR PINK? Rink.
> > 18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? That I seem to be incapable of making whip cream in the state of UT. (Oh, and that I live in UT)
> > 19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Bruno Kirby (You made a woman meow?)
> > 20.DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Not really. I'm too lazy and conceited to read everyone's responses.
> > 21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Very pale. Practically white. Almost see through. I'm a nudist.
> > 22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Shavings of plastic that I gnawed of the end of my pen.
> > 23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of my brain atrophying. And Jimmy Eat World. (The two are unrelated)
> > 24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green. But like a cool green that all the other crayons would think was really witty and original.
> > 25. FAVORITE SMELL? The freezer
> > 27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Hair. Usually the kind on their head. (What were you thinking?)
> > 28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I suppose, although I have NO idea why we're friends. She watches Lifetime Television for Women for goodness sake!
> > 29. FAVORITE DRINK? Rasperry Chrystal Lite
> > 30. FAVORITE SPORT? Adverse weather badmintton.
> 31. EYE COLOR? Like the sea after a storm. (Blue.)
> > 32. HAT SIZE? See 'shoe size'.
> > 33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? 24-7
> > 34. FAVORITE FOOD? Watermelon
> > 35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? How about happy movies with scary endings? > > 36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? Music and Lyrics (I know I know. But Hugh Grant makes such a cute 80's pop icon!)
> > 37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Brown. I gave up on nudism around #27.
> > 38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Autmn.
> > 39. HUGS OR KISSES? Both. AT THE SAME TIME. (I like to live on the edge)
> 40. FAVORITE DESSERT? See #15. Does the phrase 'mind numbingly redundant' mean anything to you?
> > 41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Any one who doesn't have someone to talk to. Or only has someone real dumb to talk to.
> > 42. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Life of Pi. Absalom Absalom. To Kill A Mockingbird. I would add a fourth but I need my left foot to turn the pages.
> > 43. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Any one who has a raging crush on my and wants to confess their undying love. (Really, don't let the nudist comment sway you.)
> > 44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? RED DWARF kcts television
> > 45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Little Miss Sunshine, and A Scanner Darkly (both via the DVD player of course)
> > 47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I prefer ROLLING STONES at BEATTLES. That way they gather no moss and take care of those pesky beetles!
> > 48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? UK (that's the United Kingdom, not a phonetic 'yuck')
> > 49. WHAT IS YOUR PRESENT OCCUPATION? I play with software and say to myself "I must break you."
> > 50. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? That's a bit personal don't you think?

Dave will think this is funny.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I Dislike Dirt Under the Fingernails

In the case that you can't read this amazing feat of geeky-organization, click here.

My initial response to discovering such a treasure trove of geek-dom was that of pure elation. I only qualify for the second tier of geekiness! (Not speaking Klingon has really paid off this time! jiH par butih!) But then I began to take a closer look at my discovery.

Although the knowledge that I will never purchase a replica fantasy sword (Sorry Eragon) brings me great relief emotionally (not to mention socially) I still feel a bit uncomfortable with geek-science as a whole.

Besides the fact that this higherarchy makes no allowances for fans of British Television (where do all the Dwarfers belong?) my qualm is this: while we might enjoy pointing a finger at the lower-tier-members and saying "well at least I don't do THAT" I think it's time we step away from the stereotypes that anyone dressed up as Darth Vader at a convention will most likely never conceive children.

Case and point? Allow me to share a story told by my Fantasy Writing Professor. (And yes, I'm in a fantasy writing class. And no, my class mates did not find it funny when I suggested that the name for my fictional city be Xanadu. Thank you Haras.)

A man I talked to last month at church claimed that calling people nerds was a threat to national security. He said that by insulting engineers and mathematicians, we are driving people away from those professions, and therefore making the United States have a more poor crop of people who can grow up to keep us on the cutting edge of technology, letting other nations get better at it than we are. Interesting theory, one that I think is wrong for such a long list of reasons it's hard to begin naming them.

Upon further consideration, I think it's all time that we embrace our geeky tendencies. Whether they be rooted in conspiracy theories about Elvis' death, or an inclination towards C-level sitcoms in from the '90's. You know who you are.

Side note: I totally just found a site that offers a Red Dwarf role playing game? D&D look out! There's a new cat in town!

By the way, who are all these SciFi television fans who AREN'T Trekkies?

Monday, February 12, 2007

These are the DAVES!

Typically I try to keep my blog devoid of any real life experiences that don't involve bathroom humor. But since I have nothing better to do, coupled with the fact that the only interesting bathroom drama involves the toilet water being a different color every time I go in there, I've decided to make an exception. Seriously though, it went from purple to pink to blue to clear, then back to blue. It's wiggin me out.

So. I know a lot of Daves. (Hopefully you picked that up from the video, and the song is now ingrained into your frontal lobe and will replay in you head for years to come. Sorry Haras.)

In particular there is one Dave I know (I know) who likes to joke around . . . a lot. So much so that Ylime once said that she felt like she had to work hard to keep up with him.
Shortly after I showed her a deep thought that I was using on a gift. The one that says "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that's why several of us died of Tuberculosis."

Ylime was confused.

In my attempt to explain it to her I quickly became exasperated with the buzz kill of having to explain a joke, and I exclaimed, "Dave would have gotten that!"

Well, you know me, some of you, it didn't stop there. Soon "Dave would have . . ." became our comment for everything.

"Dave would have thought that was funny."

"Dave would have asked me about it."

"Dave would have run that red light!"

As the days went by we became increasingly aware of the fact that we were going to have to tell Dave about this joke at some point because, after all, he would think it was funny!

The time was determined, we would approach him at the ward activity and share with him the glory of our amazing discovery. We went. We waited. And he didn't show. Did someone say buzz kill?

Later that night we bombarded him at Ward Prayer accusing him of ditching on purpose. And rapidly began our assault by declaring "we talk about you all the time!" accompanied by much touching of the elbow.

Perhaps this is a good time to mention that recently I've been trying to flirt with his roommate (somewhat unsuccessfully. Like trying to flirt with a brick wall. "Oh what nice mortar you have!" But a cute brick wall, one that's really funny, and looks even cuter when he hasn't shaved that day.) Needless to say, it seems my flirtatious energy pointed at the roommate (aka He we do not speak of) misfired and was deflected back at the Dave I know (I know).

What is the point of this story you ask? To explain why on V-day I will be alone in my pajamas watching Idol.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

For Haras, and anyone else who doesn't know what a W.C. is. This one's for you.

It seems that a little old English lady was looking for some rooms in Switzerland. She asked the local village school master to help her. A place that suited her was finally found and the lady returned to London for her luggage. She remembered then that she had not noticed a bathroom, or as she called it, a "water closet". So she wrote to the school master.

He was puzzled by the initials "W.C.", never dreaming, of course, that she was asking about a bathroom. He finally asked the help of the parish priest who decided that W.C. stood for Wesleyan Church. This was his reply:

Dear Madam, The W.C. is situated nine miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of trees. It is capable of holding 350 people at a time and is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday each week. A large number of folks attend during the summer months, so it is suggested you go early, although there is plenty of standing room.

Some folk like to take their lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good and everyone can hear the slightest sound. It may be of interest to you to know that my daughter was married in our W.C. and it was there she met her husband.

We hope you will be there in time for our bazaar to be held very soon. The proceeds will go towards the purchase of plush seats which the folks agree are a long-felt need, as the present ones all have holes in them.

My wife is rather delicate, therefore she cannot attend regularly. It has been six months since the last time she went. Naturally, it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. I shall close now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible and I will be happy to save you a seat down front or near the door, whichever you prefer.

School Master