I'd Make A Better Ape Than A Human

Over the last few years I have come to realize that if something strange and bizarre is going to happen, it's going to happen to Sarah. But if something utterly idiotic is going to happen, it's probably my fault. Don't believe me? I didn't think you would. Therefore I have compiled a list of proofs of my general incompetence as a human being. Enjoy.



When I was the first person to use the bathroom at work, I did not notice the toilet seat was still up from the cleaning crew, and I promptly sat directly IN the toilet bowl.

No matter how many times I look it up, I always misspell the word "necessary",or is it "neccesary"?

The first formal dance I went to in college, I tripped and fell face first down 2 flights of stairs, leaving my date behind in the dust.

When my friend said "I don't think I have your number" I assumed he said "I think I have your number", and then wondered why he sat there awkwardly fiddling with the seatbelt, looking at me expectantly.

I have spent entire days being angry with someone for something they did in my dream.

After I broke my full-length mirror, Sarah bought me another one as a gift, which I shattered not two days later in exactly the same way.

I have never gone an entire winter without falling, butt first, on the ice.

When I left a notebook containing some personal entries at my auto-maintenance class, I decided not to ask my teacher about it, on the off chance that he had read it, and would therefore connect the ramblings of a bitter psychopath to myself.

I am so OCD about folding wrappers that I don't like to eat Hershey's Kisses, because the wrappers always tear.

Everytime I wash dishes by hand I get a wet spot across my waist from leaning against the counter. It has never occurred to me to use a towel.

One of the first times I wore heels in public, I punctured a hole in the floor of my local rite-aid. I've never worn heels in a drug store since.

I panic when my alarm goes off and I won't push any buttons until I'm sure I have the right one because I'm scared that the wrong button will some how result in a huge catastrophe.

Every time I try to use a USB drive, it takes me at least 3 tries to figure out which direction it goes in.

When pickin up my curling iron, I yanked the cord which then pulled my basket of make-up off the shelf, and into the toilet. Then I went eyeliner-fishing.

Sometimes when I'm asleep, I snore so loudly and abruptly that I wake myself up.

Right now I would rather work on my blog than go over to my boss to ask for something to do, because that would involve walking by the cute guy's cubicle. And I'd rather be bored than have another awkward look-in-look-out-look-in-look-out situation.

After spell-checking this blog, I noticed that I accidently changed 'Hershey kisses' to 'horse's kisses'.

I think I've made my point.